Unexpected bullshit

It’s been a long time since I’ve been on, and I miss being able to express myself without fear of judgements… Life certainly has taken some unexpected twists and turns lately for me. There are a few good things that have happened and some not so great shit too. I’ve been trying to hold it together for a while I guess and just go with the flow of life, but it sucks. I hate having bad surprises, or any for that matter, but mostly the bad ones….Let’s get you up to date…

The relationship I thought would never end has. That was a rough fucking situation all in itself, but WOW….I didn’t expect to find out he was cheating on me pretty much the whole time, then try to justify his actions… Dating sites, Craigslist personal ads, Instagram, Facebook, and the list goes on and on.. But the worst part? He was doing it with both woman AND MEN… Like what the fuck is that? I have zero problems with people who are bi, or gay or anyone in the LGBT community whatsoever…but who wants it to be their SO that does it? It’s quite shocking to be honest. It took me a long time to get over that. I read just about everything he was saying to these people and that is what hurt the most. I was no one to him. But hey, I guess it is what it is right? Moving on.

I go back to court the end of the month for the kids. I’m so nervous of what will happen. It’s a new judge so we are hoping that she won’t be a total dick like the last one we had. I can not handle anymore disappointment and neither can my boys. Things have been worst off with the ex, he’s scaring me more and more with how terribly he is treating the kids, especially my eldest, whom he really never fucked with before. It seems he has shifted his anger from one child to the next and it is quite disturbing to be honest. But a few more weeks and we will see if they will be coming home.

I went camping for the first time this weekend. My youngest son’s father, and my boyfriend and all our boys. It was a great time, we had so much fun. It was nice to get away for the night and just BE. I haven’t had much “me time” outside of our house in a long time so it was relaxing and fun. Something I am not very used to lol. My son has been very happy to have his dad involved in his life again after a long time away. Both our faults, but we are trying not to live in the past and focus on how to make our relationship better, and the kids. His oldest son came to live with me a few months ago, it has been challenging but rewarding all in the same. He’s a good kid, he’s a teenager lol and he’s the same age as my oldest and they’re best friends so it absolutely is beneficial to the kids and my youngest loves having his “new older brother” home with us too. They all just started school this year so its been super quite here and I definitely missed those quiet days where I have time to watch a show, or clean or go for a drive or sit and actually finish the second Game of Thrones book I’ve been trying to read for a year lol. It feels nice to not have to worry, even if it’s just during the day.

It’s hard to believe that I am a mother of a High schooler already. Holy shit where has the time gone? He was my baby one minute and the next he’s playing football and has a girlfriend. Middle kid is now a middle schooler, and youngest is in third grade. I have no more babies. It makes me want another one, but I know that will pass quickly haha I have no time for that nonsense, all the fighting and screaming and whining is gone from 8 to 3, I finally have the house to myself during the day and I don’t think my dog would appreciate a screaming baby in it’s place. Life is ok right now. I got through some pretty heavy shit the last few years and I finally feel settled. Maybe that isn’t the right word, but I feel ok. For now, and I’m ok with that. It could be worst. Take care. Xoxo

 

 

 

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Been a while…

It’s been a long time since I’ve written and i miss it terribly. It had become my escape and it always made me feel better after I wrote what I was going through and get it off my chest..So with that being said..I’ll give ya a little taste of what life has been like since the last time I blogged…

We had our huge trial…it went great, we had mass amounts of evidence stacked up.  From my self, my family, department of children and families, and a lawyer type of guy for the boys. We thought we had that case in the fuckin bag, and we went home happy as shit. Only to get the letter about a week or two later..And my world fell apart.

Not only did they not let my son come home, but they also didn’t hear anything that we had asked for. i wasn’t given any kind of custody, joint or otherwise and it was complete fuckin bullshit. The judge through away every piece of evidence we had away in the trash like it was nothing. All the witness statements etc. Everything. it was th worst feeling in the world…

We were meeting at the Police Dept for our pick ups and drop offs for about a year prior to this trial, it was a “saf haven” for us. It was  there for in the event something happened, we had someone there to protect us, because when we used to fucking meet him at his house, he’d come after me, talk shit to me in front of my kids, his girlfriend doesn’t shut the fuck up and mind her business and it’s a shit show…The judge has now taken that away from us. We have to go back to his house again. I don’t know how anyone in their right fucking mind makes someone who’s dealt with domestic violence issues for 16 fuckin years, go through that again, or at all in the first place…

My anxiety has been so terrible and so over taking in my life that I’m stressed 24/7, I’m having crazy mood swings all the time, I’m having my period for weeks and weeks at a time, I’m not sleeping well, or I’m always tired. My house isn’t getting cleaned like it should be and I’m buggin out all the time.

Because since this trial, when he was given three out of four contempts already, he now has 4 more on the way and has since taken them away from me. I haven’t seen my kids in over a month. It’s illegal and he has no fucking right to do this to me or them, and I’ve had nothing to do but file for contempt and await another fucking court date in September. It’s like when the fuck does it end? I mean seriously…

Life has been so hard lately, but it’s also been so rewarding also. It’s been a real eye opener as to who’s got my back and who’s in my corner. My family has been amazing, my boyfriend is a God send and I couldn’t go through anything like this without him. truly.Any my babies…My God, I’d die without them. They drive me fuckin crazy but I love them so much…

I’ve just been keepin busy, catchin up on my shows and relaxing….Like today, on the couch waiting for the storm to come, hopefully lol

More later. Xoxo

 

The end of the begining…

The last week has been nothing short of a living nightmare…I don’t even know where to begin in explaining this…

We had our trial a few weeks ago, and it went amazingly. My witnesses all did their part and they did it well. They stood up there and supported my findings and for once in my life, some one not only spoke up for me and my kids, but they also spoke up against him. The piece of shit that he is. He lied so much on the stand, his eyes should absolutely have been brown at this point.

Things were tense, tempers were flared and it had been a very long morning and afternoon. I think we were there a total of five or six hours. But it was all about to end….All of it, all of the bullshit, all of the treats, all of the demands..all of the stalking….everything…finally….

But boy was I wrong.

We had this case in the bag. This was an open and shut case. We are the only ones with evidence to support our claims. We had two professionals stand up and state their claims on him. Support all of the neglect/harassment claims that I made and have opinions, recommendations and statements of their own as well. I was asking for full custody of my ten year old and to have my thirteen year old stay with his father, so long as he was enrolled in therapy (and I had full access to his therapist as I do with our ten year olds).

Then Saturday came, and my world ended. Our world ended.

They gave him everything that he asked for. With zero proof of his alligations and claims. They gave me supervised visits, that I haven’t had, nor needed, in two years plus. They took away our Police Department meet up for pick ups and drop offs, (even after a different judge ordered that a year ago because of his lack of restraint, and the potential threats and harm he posed to us). He made my visits be at my mother and father’s “home”, where I rent the second floor from them. Which means that for the last two years of NOT needing them (by DCF recommendation and our old judge as well), that my boys can’t even have sleep overs at my boyfriend’s mom’s house, at any of my siblings houses and or at any other place but where we live. Which means our Disney trip for 2018, (unless fixed by then) won’t be happening, as well as if I wanted to take the kids to the beach for the day, Six Flags, a carnival, the fucking grocery store, anywhere or anything unless my mother and father are present.

They gave him the right to claim both our kids on taxes, even though for the last few years I’ve had a court order to claim our ten year old and him our oldest son.

He had four fucking contempt’s to be heard during the trial as well. Three of which were found to be a yes, he was in fact in contempt. But there was no punishment. His punishment was to pay me back the service fee of $30.00 for one, I get to claim our ten year old next year for the other, and nothing for the third. I already have another one to file next week, after of course meeting with my attorney to discuss our next plan of action. Because he denied parenting time…AFUCKINGEN…As if that was not bad enough…My mom is the one who does 100% of the rides. We are in the car from 430 pm until 730pm. And 50% of the fucking time, he denies our visits and we are driving out there for NOTHING. Just to fucking turn around on that following Monday, and go to the nearest Family Probate Court, and file the proper contempt’s needed. Because of course, that is my only fucking right as their parent apparently….It’s complete and utter fucking bullshit. I mean seriously…Because now..We have to meet at either his house (Which we aren’t allowed to with my son and my Grandma per his therapist and her Primary Dr.), and then when he doesn’t fucking show up, turn around and go to the Police Department AGAIN.

It’s as if the Judge was fucking paid off. It’s fucking insane. He gets away with everything.No matter the consequence for us. Not caring what happens for our safety at all. No regard to the court order to protect us from him. Apparently 16 years of Domestic Violence, Emotional/Verbal/Mental abuse to me and my family doesn’t warrant keeping AT LEAST THAT SHIT for us. The Judge basically through out ALL of my personal (black and white) evidence, but also the evidence from DCF  (Department of Children and Families) and a Gaurdian Ad Litem’s evidence and my lawyer’s as well. He just through it all THE FUCK away…For what? He didn’t even send a “Rationale”. Which explains how and why he came to his decision…

So I will be filing an appeal, motions and modifications up the ass all next week… I haven’t even told my youngest two son’s yet. My ten year old is going to flip the fuck out when he finds out not only did his father take away HIS MOMMY, but he also took away his ability to see and spend time with his family…

This made me loose my fucking shit.

I am praying to fucking God, that my lawyer has a back up plan on Friday, an amazing one at that. Because I can not in my right mind handle anymore bad news…

More later. Xoxo

It’s been a while…

I haven’t been writing because I’ve been extremely busy with court things and what not, but I have a positive report. The trial happened last week, and let’s just say that when you tell the truth, always, the truth is all you have to remember…Nothing to fear. You never have to “forget” what you’ve said to this person or that, because it always the same thing isn’t it? The truth most certainly always comes to the surface, and some think that if you “get away” with a lie, than you’re good to go. All lying means is that you are incapable of living with what you have done, plain and simple. That’s who lies, people who have done wrong to others, or themselves. And all that it means when someone believes your bullshit lies is that they’ve trusted you far much than you have deserved. Shame on you.

The night before court is always terrible for me, win or loose. It stresses me the fuck out no matter what is happening, I hate it. I didn’t sleep well, as I suspected was going to happen and woke the next morning feeling uneasy, but positive. It lasted all of five hours and we took a lunch break to make six. It was exhausting to say the least. My mother came with me, for support and because she was too one of the witnesses.

Not only did I have to be in the same closed in room with my ex and his arrogant, vanilla cunt of a girlfriend but I was seated on the witness stand all of four feet at best from where he was. I could feel him looking at me every time I said something. And I could hear him clear his throat in the disgusting way he does when he’s fucking pissed off all day long.

The trial aspect consisted of both our mothers for witnesses, as well as a lawyer that was issued to the children and ourselves of course. I was asked questions by my attorney, then his and vice versa. Our mothers were seated out side of the room to avoid them hearing our testimonies. To which the girlfriend kept leaving the room to go tell his mother what was happening, which I’m seriously not sure why she wasn’t told to get the fuck out after that. But it didn’t stop her none the less from then making faces at me, saying “liar” under her breath to me and making faces at my mother when it was her turn. My attorney had to ask twice for her to either get out, move to the other side of the room or stop. To which the Judge said he hasn’t seen her, or she would be removed of course.

I had to endure very personal questions meant to either piss me off, torture me and or make me feel less than. Neither worked. I kept my composure and answered the questions as best as I could, with the least bit of rudeness and condiscending tone that I could, without sounding like a fucking bitch of course. I told the whole truth and nothing but. And he sat up there and lied until his eyes turned shit brown. I wasn;t totally suprised, obviously. But he just has this way of thinking that the world was created for himself, and that we should all be bowing down to his greatness and calling him Lord. Get the fuck out of here.

His attorney was no better. She was the most arrogant, most incompetent idiot that I’ve ever had to deal with. She tried to twist every single thing my mother and I stated under oath, and not only did my lawyer stop her, but so did the Judge as well…He obviously gave her stories that even she must have felt ridiculous to say, but inclined to…But every time he lied I wanted to scream, which was a lot, trust me. But again, lies always surface. I came prepared with over a thousand text messages, emails etc printed out as evidence. You can not deny black and white now can you? Well…he seems to think so…But the Judge, nor my lawyer was going to let that go. That’s why they have charges for lying under oath…And we shall see how this plays out.

The Judge ordered both our lawyers to come up with a “parenting plan”, if my son is to come home, what would we do as far as visitation goes, child support, pick ups and drop offs etc, along with a statement from both of us, basically telling him what we were asking and then showing proof or evidence to which supported those as well. We meet at the end of June for that, send it in the next day and hope for the best. It is officially out of my hands. I can only pray to God, cross my fingers and make as many wishes as there are days that things go the way my son and I want them to. And hope that the Judge saw what everyone else in that court room say, which is that he does nothing but emotionally, mentally and verbally abuses not only myself, but my children as well.

Some better things have happened since then as well. My brother has asked me if I want to switch apartments with him. He lives on the second floor, which is a huge two bedroom apartment with a full kitchen, pantry, living and dining room, bathroom etc where I used to live before. Because right now, we are all in an attic apartment on the third floor above him, and it is unlivable sometimes. It has the same as far as two bedrooms, a mini kitchen, a bathroom and a living room. But with three kids, a dog and my boyfriend and myself, it is crowded sometimes. A home is what you make of it. But this would be a very very amazing move for all of us and I’m happy to say, once finalized with my parents (whom we rent from) by the last week of June, we should be moved and living great.

My boyfriend also got some good news this week. His sister took an offer on his father’s house and the closing should be in August. Which means that the first purchase we make is a new car. That is the most exciting of them all. We need this so badly. Having to walk, take a bus or ask for a ride is killing all of us. Our kids are unable to do any after school activities based on not having a ride to get them to and from. As well as our love for being outside, I’d say one of many first trips would be the beach, hiking or maybe our first camping trip as a family….And making many many more memories. All for now. Xoxo

Just a dream…

Waking up at two a.m sweating from head to toe, shaking and crying hysterically weren’t on my list of things to do this week, but it was very much a real event last night. I haven’t had a nightmare like this in a very long time. Probably years even…

It started with being at a park with one of my boys, not sure which one, like it matters…and being taken. I only remember bits and pieces of it, but it felt like it was actually happening. And it was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I felt so helpless. Like no one knew where we were, or what was happening. So no one was coming to my rescue.

We were taken to some sort of disgustingly dirty warehouse type of building. Alone, with four different men. None of who I knew at all. Strangers. And they were terrible.

My son was beaten and starved for a week, before he died. And I was brutally raped, beaten and starved for longer. Who knows how long. Who cares how long. The fact that I was dreaming this way scared me to death. I woke up and it took a good while to realize I was laying in bed, with my boyfriend sound asleep next to me. And my son sleeping peacefully in the next room. I got up and immediately ran into his room, thank God is all I could think.  Thank God is all I could think. I can deal with nightmares that I’m the one who’s being tortured, but not my kid. What the fuck would make me have this kind of a dream?

All day that’s all I’ve been able to think about. The way it felt, the way the place smelt, the sound of my child screaming. It was too much to bare. Even if it wasn’t real. I’ve never had a nightmare like this before, one that’s affected me the way this one has. The only thing I could do is gather myself together and go smoke a cigarette and calm the fuck down. By the time I went back to bed it was past three a.m.

I was so fucking tired this morning when I finally got out of bed at almost seven thirty. I forced myself, or my kid would be late to school and then I was fucked. But this shit has crept into my mind on more than one occasion today. I never want to feel that way again. I never want this to happen, obviously, but it made me think of the woman and children that it does happen to. The families that have to find out about their loved ones being brutally murdered, tortured etc. It’s a shitty feeling. And I couldn’t imagine any of this being a real thing in my life. But it made me want to learn more about our sleep patterns, how and why we dream. What makes us dream the way we do, about what we do. Maybe I’ll find some answers. I don’t want to be afraid to fall asleep again.

More later. Xoxo

That guy…

You were never supposed to be the guy who made me question you. Or grab your phone and run to the bathroom because I had a nagging feeling about something. The guy who’s phone is filled with half naked sluts on his IG like pages. Or the guy who’d lie about his ex messaging him. The guy who tells me I’m beautiful once in a while, yet you know what kind of girls he really thinks are now. You werent supposed to Obsessively like any other girls pictures, especially ones you swore was no one to me. You weren’t supposed to make me cry. Or loose sleep over you. You weren’t supposed to be that guy who made me question everything I believed for almost a year. You weren’t supposed to lie about the relationships you had with people, or if you were really just friends with them or not. You weren’t supposed to have things I’d find when I went looking, because it’s in my nature. I’ve had to do it every other time. I thought for once, it’s okay. You were supposed to be that guy for anyone else but me.
My life isn’t perfect. Very far from it, but you chose me and I chose you. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to have a pure relationship with someone. One where you don’t have to even want to look, no matter what your mind is telling you. You want someone who will make you KNOW without a doubt they’re in this 100%. If you’re not happy, don’t stay. No one is forcing anyone to stay. I’m not gorgeous or skinny or anything, but I’m a good person. Not all girls that look like models are are they?

Today…

Its supposed to be a happy day. My 9 month anniversary. A milestone, if you will. Instead of being happy, im sick to my stomach. Not knowing what the outcome of this will be. Some might think its a small problem in a world of big, but a lie is a lie is a lie and so on. One little lie turned into a big one. I preach to my kids every day that i will not tolerate being lied to, and i have always tried to be someone they never feel they HAVE to lie to. I guess that didnt work for everyone. I feel betrayed, and its a very unsettling feeling. When you question everything youve believed in for so long. Is the lie weve built just for show? What does lying do for you? Id rather be hurt so deeply from truth, than lied to any day. At least they have the respect to tell you truth to your fucking face, rather than hide in the shadows with their bullshit lies. Men who seek out other woman, and or cheat in anyway while involved should be taken out back and hung like the old days. I dont believe it is only marriage that is a binding contract, legally yes, but when you decide to be with someone and only them, fucking do that and keep your word. And no, you didnt cheat as in fuck someone else, but you cheated me out of truth. In my eyes its all the same. No one had any benefit to this lie but you. So tell me again how you love me and want to spend your life with me…go ahead. Tell me youre so sorry, to be caught in not one but multiple lies. Tell me why you even had to lie. Most woman want it all, the house the cars the money kids etc, i wanted truth, loyalty and faithfulness. When did that become too much to ask? Because see, people laugh when woman say “its my gut telling me something was wrong” and ill be damned if each and every time this has come to me i wasnt spot on. Every time. If thats the kind of person you think i deserve, goodbye. If that is the kind of man or woman you are, leave us alone then. Games are never fun, especially when you work your ass off to become a better person and someone has to fuck that up. There is no calm before the storm here either, i usually would be yelling and throwing you out, instead im taking time like an adult to decide the proper way to go, weighing out my heart and my brain to see who wins this fight. Becauae once youre gone youre gone for good, but if you stay the lies will keep on piling up, and ill wish i had made the right choice, because obviously that wasnt the right one was it? Or do i just trust you, after all of it, that it will stop. If the lies are this big and stupid, what happens when they grow big and serious? Im hurt, and i dont know how to be with someone i dont trust anymore. I dont know when or how we got to this point either. Things were great. I thought i was the luckiest woman in the world. And now i cant sleep, and i want to throw up. I do know one thing, i refuse to be the woman who goes digging anymore, i refuse to sneak your phone or computer and search for lies. I refuse to let you hurt me. And i refuse to be THAT girl ever again. The ball is in your court, you decide what kind of man you want to be. Because apparently “it hasnt been easy” being the one i need and want.